Navigating the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
